Social phobia isn’t shyness. Shy people generally find other shy people to hang out with or are happy to be the quieter member of a group. People with social phobia, on the other hand, have an irrational belief that when they are with other people they are being judged and judged negatively at that. They don’t seek out social activities because they believe that they will embarrass themselves or be criticized by others. Staying away from people is a way of staying away from that fear. Sadly, that tactic only makes things worse. A person who seldom engages with others becomes less and less confident that they even know how.
Depression and negativity
“Good morning,” I say brightly to one of my students. “Yeah. I guess,” she replies in a monotone. I watch with concern as she slumps toward the back of the room and slouches into a chair. Other students avoid her. As a teacher and psychologist, I’m concerned and won’t give up on her. But I’m betting her peers are less and less interested in trying. Sure enough: When I talk to her later she is convinced that no one likes her and that she’s in the wrong school. She doesn’t understand that she radiates a cloud of funk that makes it hard for others to want to be engaged with her. Even though she’s smart and has a quick and ironic wit, she’s a downer from the first attempt at a friendly greeting. I gently suggest that maybe she is genuinely depressed and that making an appointment at our mental health center would be a good idea. I know (and I suspect she knows) that if she goes to another school, she’s going to take her depression – and her isolation – with her.
Burned too many times
Sometimes people have had a series of experiences that have left them discouraged and beaten down. The kid who was pegged in high school as a loser just can’t get beyond the feeling that a loser is who she’ll always be. The guy who was always picked last for the team and who was the butt of middle school jokes can’t find the inner strength to try again. Their self-esteem has been shaken to the core. At this point, when approaching new people they are like the salesman who starts his pitch with, “You wouldn’t want to buy this, would you? – Didn’t think so.” To folks like these, trying to join one of those clubs or teams is to make themselves vulnerable yet again. Some try out the virtual world and create an idealized persona to present in a virtual reality. Others withdraw from people altogether. Both tactics have a limited shelf-life. At some point, the virtual friend or lover wants to meet – raising all the self-esteem issues yet again. At some point the loneliness of isolating becomes unbearable.
Highly sensitive temperament
Some people’s temperament is just more sensitive than others. Easily moved by beauty and easily touched by human kindness, they are just as easily hurt and confused when someone is thoughtless or tactless or unable to give them enough time or attention. They take too many things far too personally. When a colleague says they are too busy to meet for coffee, they take it as a personal rejection. When an office-mate is brusque, they are wounded for days. Highly sensitive people are like a lobster without a shell, exquisitely vulnerable to the rough and tumble of ordinary interactions. It’s no wonder they want to stay wherever they feel safe.
Motivational
Lack of social skills
Some people just never learned how to initiate contact with new people. Others are great with a “meet and greet” but have no idea how to do the maintenance part of keeping friends. Maybe they grew up in families who avoided other people. Perhaps they lived so far out of town that they could rarely participate in school activities. Perhaps they had overly critical parents who put down every attempt they made to work or play with others. Or maybe they came from the kind of family where family is everything and no one saw the need to include others in their world. Whatever the original cause while growing up, the result is an adult who feels awkward around others and who doesn’t have a clue about the give and take that makes the social world go ‘round.
Unrealistic expectations
Related to all or some of the above is the person who has unrealistic expectations for involvement. Once they’ve befriended someone, they expect to be called often, to spend regular time together, and to share in their lives in a big way. The truth is that some people can accommodate but most people can’t. Life for most people these days is complicated. People are working harder and have less free time. Balancing family and a job and perhaps a second job leaves people stressed and tired. They simply don’t have the time or energy to be responding to ten texts and a couple of phone calls plus meeting after work every day or going to the mall every weekend. They especially can’t oblige if they have other friendships they are also trying to maintain. People who can’t tolerate the limits of what someone, even a very friendly someone, can do are people who are highly sensitive or lack social skills (see above). When their new friend can’t be friends on the terms they want, they feel burned yet again, may get depressed, and decide it isn’t worth it to try – thereby helping create the very social problems they want so desperately to overcome.
