We probably know someone who
seems to make every situation toxic and impossible. Pointing out that these
people are difficult and demanding won't get you anywhere, though — odds are,
they don't even see a problem. Whether the issue is caused by a personality
disorder or some other underlying issue, you can learn how to navigate
interactions with impossible people and preserve your own sanity. Some are just
a lover of fight and conflict, but how can we control the situation? The
ability to handle conflicts is a feature of a good leader. Here are 10 points
on how to handle conflicts.
Know you probably may not have a reasonable conversation.
Having a civilized conversation with the impossible person is unlikely—at least
with you. Recall every time you tried in the past to have a civilized
discussion about your relationship with the person. You were probably blamed
for everything instead.
- Use silence or try to humor the person whenever you can. Know that you cannot "fix" impossible people. These people cannot and do not listen to reason.
- Avoid getting cornered into an argument. Don’t deal with the person one-on-one. Always suggest that a third party be brought in. If the person refuses, demand it.
Don’t get defensive. Stay calm, and be
aware that you will never win in an argument with an impossible person—he is
referred to as "impossible" for a reason. In the impossible person's
mind, you are the problem, and nothing you say can convince the person to see
your side of the story. He feels that your opinion doesn’t matter because you
are guilty, regardless.
- Think about what you are going to say before you say it and what your goal for the conversation is. Don’t just react impulsively because the other person offended you. You don’t have to defend yourself to this person.
- Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. For example, don’t say, “You are wrong.” Try something like, “I feel like that statement may not be the whole truth.”
Detach, disassociate and defuse.
Staying calm in the heat of the moment is paramount to your personal
preservation. Spitting angry words, reacting with extreme emotions such as
crying, will only stimulate impossible people to do more of the difficult
behavior. Don’t take the reactions of impossible people personally, and don’t
allow yourself to become emotionally charged in reaction to her.
- Remove yourself emotionally from the situation, and treat it with indifference. The goal is to not allow yourself to get emotionally involved in the conversation, keep the person at a distance and not let the words make you feel bad.
- Redirect the situation or conversation to something positive by focusing on something other than what the argument started about. Talk about the weather, fishing, the impossible person's family—really anything that will distract from the argument and is not likely to cause further conflict.
- Consider the fact that anything you do or say while angry can be used against you. Unless you don’t mind hearing about an angry comment years from now, then let it go. Impossible people want you to say something to prove that you’re the bad guy.
- Do not judge this person as right or wrong even if she seems irrational. Judging is likely to only make you feel worse.
Avoid or stop arguing with them.
If possible, don't disagree with impossible people. Find ways to be agreeable
or ignore them. Arguing will only get you emotionally invested in the situation
and trigger your fight or flight responses. This will make it harder for you to
think clearly and respond appropriately.
- Impossible people are looking for a fight, so when you agree with them or some truth in their statement, you are no longer giving them what they want. If you are called a "jerk," for example, go ahead and acknowledge a time when you acted badly. This corrects an overgeneralization.
Leave them alone.
Impossible people want attention, so once they realize you won’t give them what
they want, they will move onto someone else who will react to them. Stay out of
their business, out of their way and avoid talking to or about them.
- Impossible peoples’ outbursts are like a child's tantrum. Pay them no mind unless the outbursts become disruptive, dangerous or threatening. Do your best to avoid angering impossible people or giving them a reason to lose their temper.
Ask a thought-provoking question.
Asking the impossible individual or the group you are dealing with a question
regarding the issue, such as, "What is the problem?" or "Why do
you feel this way?" can be helpful. It shows that you are engaged in the
conversation and willing to find the source of the disagreement. Rephrasing the
impossible person's position to illuminate irrationality can encourage an
individual to come to a better conclusion.
- Know that the impossible individual may respond to the question by attempting to complicate everything with name-calling, blaming, changing the subject or other behaviors.
Take a breather. If the person you're
talking with is getting on your last nerve, then you need to step away from the
immediate situation. He might just want to get a rise out of you, so show him
that he has no effect on you. Walking away or handling another task so you can
calm down is a good idea.
- Count to ten silently if you need to.
- If the person is still being impossible, then just ignore him. That person will eventually back down if he notices that he's not aggravating you.
Be confident. State your views
with confidence and look the person in the eye when communicating with her. You
do not want to appear weak to one of these people. If you look at the ground or
over her shoulder, she could interpret this as weak. You want to be reasonable
but not timid.
Adjust your strategy. Sometimes you can’t
leave the situation, so treat it like a game. Learn the impossible person’s
strategy, and develop counter strategies ahead of time. Eventually you'll find
what works and what doesn't, plus you'll probably feel better as you realize
you're three steps ahead, outwitting him at every turn. Just remember your
ultimate goal is to help free yourself mentally, not become the person's
master.
- If the impossible person comes up to you and whispers something negative around others thinking you won’t want to respond and create a scene, then say out loud, “Do you really want to talk about this here?” This may surprise him and discourage him from showing negativity to an entire group.
- Always consider the possible consequences of your actions if your plan doesn’t go as expected so you can prepare for those too.
- If the impossible person still finds a way to get to you, then don't feel bad. Just make a note of what happened and devise new strategies for next time.
- Impossible people aren't so impossible when you can predict what the person is going to say or do next.
Check your body language. Become aware of your
positioning, how you move and your facial expressions when around these people.
We reveal a lot of our emotions non-verbally. You don't want to reveal your own
feelings unknowingly. Also, this will help you maintain your own sense of calm,
and may have a calming effect on the impossible person in the process.
- Speak softly, and move as calmly as possible.
- Avoid confrontational body language, such as eye contact for long periods of time, aggressive gestures, pointing or standing directly in front of the person face-to-face. Keep a neutral expression on your face, don’t shake your head and stay out of the person’s personal space.
