You might be
afraid of making others upset or inconveniencing them if you share your
feelings. However, hiding your own feelings can lead to anxiety, depression,
discontent, and even physical unhealthiness. It can also cause problems with
your personal and professional relationships. Learning to express your feelings
will help you become more self-aware, leading to increased mental and physical
health.
Becoming
Aware of Your Feelings
1
Accept your feelings. Before you can do anything else, you have to recognize and
accept that you are going to have feelings and there is nothing wrong with
that. Feelings are not right or wrong, they just exist.
- When you feel something, do not be angry with yourself. Instead, tell yourself, “I am feeling this way, and that is acceptable.”
2
Recognize how your body is reacting
to your feelings. Feelings are driven by emotions,
which are controlled by your brain. Take note of your physiological responses
when you feel something. For example, you might sweat when you feel scared,
your face might become warm when you are embarrassed, and your heart might race
when you are angry. Keying into your bodily responses will help you recognize
feelings as they come.
- If you are having difficulty tuning into your body, try physically relaxing your body by sitting in a quiet place and taking deep breaths. Repeat the mantra, “What is this feeling?” to get a sense of the bodily responses associated with each feeling.
3
Learn the vocabulary of feelings. It can be hard to express what you are feeling when you do
not have the words to do so. Try looking at “feelings charts,” which can easily
be found through an internet search, to understand the range of emotion and to
learn words to describe feelings.
- Try to learn words that make your feelings as specific as possible. For example, instead of saying “good,” which is very general, use words like “joyful,” “fortunate,” “appreciative,” or “elated.” Conversely, instead of saying you feel “bad,” say you feel “irritated,” “uncertain,” “discouraged,” or “rejected.”
4
Ask yourself why you are feeling a
certain way. As yourself a series of “why”
questions to get at the root of what you are feeling. For example, “I feel like
I am going to cry. Why? Because I am mad at my boss. Why? Because he offended
me. Why? Because he does not respect me.” Keep going with the series of “why”
questions until you reach the bottom line of your feelings.
5
Dissect complicated emotions. Often, you feel multiple emotions all at once. It is
important to disentangle these emotions from each other so you can process each
one on its own. For example, if you have a relative with a long-term illness
who passes, you might be saddened by their loss, but also relieved they are no
longer in pain.
- Complicated emotions may arise from feeling both primary and secondary emotions. Primary emotions are the initial response to a situation and secondary emotion is the direct or indirect emotions felt following the primary emotion. For example, if someone breaks up with you, you might initially feel anguished, and then feel as though you are not worthy of love. Decipher your primary and secondary emotions to give yourself a fuller picture of your mental processes.
Expressing Your Feelings to Others
1
Use "I" statements. When expressing your feelings to someone else, “I”
statements are powerful because they promote connection and do not make the
other person feel at fault. Saying something like, “You make me feel __”
conjures blame and guilt on behalf of the person you are speaking with. Reframe
your statement by saying, “I feel __.”
- “I” statements have three parts, the emotion, the behavior, and the why. When you use the “I” statement, say a compound sentence like this: “I feel angry when you argue with me about my job because it undermines my intelligence.”
2
Initiate a conversation about your
feelings with others. Deciding how to bring up a
discussion about your feelings with others can be an intimidating task. If you
decide to talk with someone about your feelings, always start with positivity
by saying nice things about the person and your relationship. Then bring up how
you feel using “I” statements, and be as honest as possible.
- For example, say something like, “I really enjoy spending time with you. You are so important in my life and I want to connect at a deeper level with you. I am a bit nervous about talking about this, but I want to be open with you. I feel…”
- In a professional setting, start the conversation by being honest, direct, and positive. For example, say something like, "I really appreciate all of the hard work you are doing. Let's talk about how we can help you and the company succeed."
- Let the conversation be organic and do not get upset or offended by the person's response.
3
Communicate to others clearly. Communication is critically important to the expression of
feelings. Choose a trusted group of loved-ones to share your feelings with. As
you are talking, be as clear as possible by using your vocabulary of feelings
and “I” statements. If you are sharing how a situation made you feel, clearly
describe the situation and the resulting feelings. Your loved ones will listen
and validate your feelings.
- Loved ones can also provide different perspectives on situations that you might not have considered. They can be a valuable sounding board that can help you work through your feelings.
4
Listen to others when they talk to you. Communication is a two-way street, and you must learn to
listen while others speak to communicate effectively. As someone is talking to
you, give them your undivided attention (put away your devices!), nonverbally
respond by nodding your head, and offer feedback to their statements.
- Feedback can include asking for clarification, such as, “What I heard you say is that you feel...” or reflecting on the speaker’s words by saying something like, “This seems important to you because…”
5
Take deep breaths. Before you react to a situation emotionally, take a deep
breath. Deep breathing is scientifically proven to relax you and lower blood
pressure. If you breathe before you react, you
can clear your head and react responsibly.
- Practice deep breathing at least three times per week for it to be most effective.
6
Surround yourself with trusted and
positive people. As social humans, we tend to match
the tone of the situation. If you are with people speaking negatively about
others, you might be inclined to join in the negativity. Conversely, if you
surround yourself with positivity, you will thrive and feel nurtured. The
friends with whom you choose to surround yourself will provide the environment
in which you either succeed or do not. If you have a solid group of friends,
you will feel more at ease to express your true feelings with them.
- Choosing the right friends can be a long, trial-and-error process. Choose friends who inspire, support, uplift, and energize you.
7
Seek professional help if you are struggling
with expressing your emotion. There is nothing wrong with you if you are struggling
to express your feelings. You might need to see someone who is trained to talk
about feelings and help you express your own. You might need in-person guidance
from a professional to not only express your emotions, but also get at the root
of why you cannot express your emotions.
Relationship
