Overcoming
failure is all about finding it in yourself to start again. First, you must
overcome the sense of failure. The failure of a project, relationship, or other
goal might initially overwhelm you, but if you acknowledge your disappointment
and accept your mistakes you will be able to move on. Realistic optimism will
help you form a new plan without setting yourself up for failure. Remember,
your long term goal is resilience: the ability to adapt and thrive. Each
failure is a chance to grow stronger and wiser.
Practice positive reframing. Positive reframing is all about discovering the positives
in any situation, even failure. Look at the situation in which you feel you
failed, and contemplate different ways of describing it. "Failure" is
a subjective term. Instead of saying "I failed at finding work," say
"I haven't found work yet" or "I've been looking for work longer
than I had hoped." Don't attempt to whitewash your mistakes, but state
them without judgment, and look for the best.
- Another way to reframe the situation is to understand why your attempt wasn't successful, then use that information to try again. The only way anyone discovers what does work is by also finding out what doesn't work.
- Failure presents you with an opportunity to learn until you get it right.
- Consider all the athletes, scientists, and other successful people who have tried and failed, only to persevere until they achieved their goal. Michael Jordan was famously cut from his high school basketball team, only to work hard and become one of the greatest players of all-time.
- Try using humor to encourage yourself when you are down: "Well, I haven't found a job yet, but I have gotten really good at writing cover letters." Seeing the humor in your situation helps you take a step back and see things in perspective.
- Humor is a key component of resilience: laughing kindly at yourself will help carry you through your greatest trials.
Identify negative thought patterns. With failure often comes the tendency to beat yourself up
over it, even calling yourself names. Learn to identify some common negative
thought patterns so you can diffuse them. These thoughts may include:
all-or-nothing thinking ("I have to do it perfectly the first time or I
might as well give up"); catastrophizing ("This is terrible. There's
no way I can come back from this"); or negative self-labeling ("I'm a
failure and a phony.").
- When you notice these kinds of thoughts arise, question them. They are coming from an a negatively biased, critical place. Instead, ask yourself, "Is this really true?" Look for evidence for and against these claims.
- Write down an affirmation that goes against he negative self-talk. If you keep thinking of yourself as a failure, write something like, "I am a capable person" on a sticky note and put it on your mirror. Say it aloud to yourself and you can begin to change your negative thinking.
Stop ruminating over the failure. Do you find that you can't stop thinking about what
happened, replaying it over and over in your head? This is called rumination,
and instead of providing insight about what you could have done differently or
ways to improve, it just amplifies your negative feelings.
- Try journaling to put your obsessive thinking to rest. Getting it out of your head and down on paper can give you some relief from rumination and help reveal any underlying fears.
- Instead of doing a play-by-play, stop and ask yourself, "Okay, what have I learned here?" Maybe you learned you need to leave 30 minutes early for appointments so that you don't show up late to your next job interview.
- Use mindful meditation to bring you back to the present. Mindful meditation helps you stop worrying about what happened in the past and focus on the here and now, and you can start asking yourself: what can I do differently today?
