Knowing exactly what you want out of a relationship is very
difficult, especially if you're young or inexperienced. Even if you've dated
many other people, every relationship is unique, and you might have different
priorities now than you have had in the past. Finding out what you want in a
relationship can be a laborious process, but it's worth it.
Love yourself
first. Many people
wrongfully search for a romantic partner to complete them. However, your
partner should only complement you—you should already be complete on your own.
Feeling complete translates to having self-love that is not dependent on anyone
else loving you. Show love to yourself by:
- Creating a list of your favorite qualities about yourself (e.g. friendliness, your smile, etc.)
- Speaking to yourself in a gentle, loving way as you would a friend
- Becoming aware of your inner needs and desires and living in accordance with them
- Caring for your body
- Managing stress
- Avoiding the tendency to dwell in the past—live in the now
Think about what
kind of relationship you want.
What are your expectations, for both your partner and yourself? Try to be as
impartial about yourself as possible. This will help you identify types of
people you want to stop seeing and behavioral patterns that you want to end,
which will help you figure out the kind of relationship you actually do
want.
- For example, you might think you're ready to settle down, but deep down you know you're not ready for that kind of commitment. Or conversely, you might think you just want to have some casual fun, but you know from past relationships that you get too emotionally invested.
Transform your list of deal-breakers
into most important qualities.
Go back to your list of deal-breakers. By knowing what you don’t want, you can
now uncover some things that you do. Transform your list of deal-breakers into
positive qualities that you desire in a relationship.
- For instance, if a deal-breaker for you was someone who has a drug or alcohol problem, you might transform that into “concern for physical and mental health”. You know you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who uses drugs or alcohol abusively, so you would look for someone who seems to prioritize health.
- Add more 'nice-to-have' qualities as you think of them. Be completely honest with yourself. If physical attractiveness is a deal breaker for you, put that down. But try to focus on qualities that don't have to do with looks, such as intelligence, patience, and empathy. You should also think about things like religion and politics, which may or may not be relevant to you. Don't leave anything out, no matter how embarrassing or trivial it seems.
Transform your list of deal-breakers
into most important qualities.
Go back to your list of deal-breakers. By knowing what you don’t want, you can
now uncover some things that you do. Transform your list of deal-breakers into
positive qualities that you desire in a relationship.
- For instance, if a deal-breaker for you was someone who has a drug or alcohol problem, you might transform that into “concern for physical and mental health”. You know you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who uses drugs or alcohol abusively, so you would look for someone who seems to prioritize health.
- Add more 'nice-to-have' qualities as you think of them. Be completely honest with yourself. If physical attractiveness is a deal breaker for you, put that down. But try to focus on qualities that don't have to do with looks, such as intelligence, patience, and empathy. You should also think about things like religion and politics, which may or may not be relevant to you. Don't leave anything out, no matter how embarrassing or trivial it seems.
