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Everyone has that friend or coworker
who sucks the energy right out of you, complaining about all the different ways
the world is set against him or her. Unfortunately, you must deal with many
different negative people throughout your life. However, negativity by others
can have an effect on your personal well-being, too. So to take care of your
own well-being, it is important to avoid it when possible, and neutralize it if
possible. Fortunately, there are ways to deal with negative people.
Remember
that you do not have to try to cheer them up, solve their problems, or have a
solution. It is laudable
to try to turn things around for them. However, keep in mind you may not be
able to succeed, and it is not typically your job to do so. In dealing with
negative people, it is also important to have good boundaries for yourself.
- Sometimes the best way to deal with negative people is for you to remain positive and ignore their negativity.
- Unsolicited advice is rarely taken. Wait until the person tells you they would like to hear your ideas.
- Sometimes there is good reason for a person to be in a negative state; honor where they are. The best way to annoy a person in a bad mood is to tell them they should not be. While that may be true, it will not be helpful.
- Be a good example in being positive. Sometimes the best thing to do is to simply take a positive stance. Simply being positive and remaining positive in a sea of gloom will have an effect.
Provide
support. The first time
you encounter someone you know being negative, provide a listening,
compassionate ear. Try to help if he or she requests it. Everyone has a bad day
or needs a hand with something on occasion. Just being a helpful, compassionate
person can go a long way to spreading positivity.
- If the person continues to harp on the same negative topics, you feel emotionally exhausted after you socialize with them, and they overwhelmingly use negative words and phrases (I can’t, they didn’t, I hate, etc.), that’s when it's time to try to disarm their negativity.
Do
not engage in the negativity. It's really easy when confronted with a
negative person to get sucked into their spiral of negativity. Choosing not to
engage doesn't mean ignoring them, but it does mean maintaining your emotional
distance.
- Avoid trying to argue about why the person should not be negative. In an attempt to make negative people change their tune, the first instinct is to try to argue why the person should not be. Unfortunately, this tends not to work. People in a funk tend to have a lot of rationale why, and will typically have a lot of defenses to keep them there. You will likely spend a lot of time and effort for nothing, and maybe even get sucked into the dark cloud yourself.
- Negative people tend to exaggerate, focus on their negativity, and ignore the positive. Instead of trying to make them see how they're being negative (which usually only leads to confrontation and reinforcement of their ideas that everyone is against them), try giving noncommittal answers that neither encourage or condemn the negativity. This shows active listening without stating you agree.
- Noncommittal comments include: "Okay," or "I see".
- You can follow up with your own positive take, but try not to contradict the person: "I see. It is really hard when customers seem unappreciative like that. I try not to take it personally."
Use
appreciative inquiry.
If the person demonstrates negativity on certain events or subjects, you can
have a conversation with them using a technique called “appreciative inquiry.”
Appreciative inquiry is a process of asking questions to help the person
envision a more positive future. If they are complaining about a past event,
you can ask questions focusing on the positive aspects of their experiences or
pose questions about the future.
- These questions might include, “What do you hope would happen next time?” or “What turned out to be positive about that experience?”
- This question should lead to a story about what a brighter future would look like and how to achieve that future.
Steer the
conversation.
If appreciative inquiry does not lead to a productive, positive conversation,
then gently turn the conversation toward something more innocuous.
- For example, you might say, “I understand that you’re upset about your coworker. That must have been hard. So, tell me more about your plans for this weekend.” Or, “Wow, that sounds like an ordeal. So, did you see that new documentary?”
Attempt to
disrupt negative ruminations. Rumination (going over the same negative
thoughts over and over) only reinforces negativity. It is also associated with
higher levels of depression. If the person tends to ruminate, see if you can
disrupt this spiral by leading the person to focus on something else.
- While steering the conversation can include leading the person to a happier topic within the same subject, disrupting negative rumination likely means changing the subject entirely. If the person is ruminating over a work interaction, try bringing up his or her favorite TV show, the person’s beloved pet, or something else likely to result in a more-positive conversation.
Help
the person see how they might take control of the situation. Negative people tend to blame all
external factors rather than themselves. People who blame their problems on
outside factors tend to have poorer emotional well-being than those who take a
different perspective. Try supporting the negative person in developing a plan
for how to handle negative events.
- Venting about a negative situation isn’t necessarily an unhealthy response. We often work through problems and develop a course of action to deal with the problem during this phase. Try to help the person channel the negative energy in a constructive way. You can ask, for instance, what the person can do to change an unfavorable situation at work.
Help
the person accept negative events. In addition to talking the person through how
to react to a negative event, you can also help the person with ultimately
accepting negative events. For example, imagine a friend was reprimanded at
work for coming in late. She complains to you at lunch, lamenting the fact that
she has to take the bus, complaining that her boss has it out for her, etc. You
can try saying several things in this situation, such as:
- “Well, the reprimand has already been filed, and that won’t change but it will be taken off your record in six months. You can show your boss that you are committed to being on time from now on.”
- “What if you rode your bike to work instead? Then you wouldn’t have to rely on the bus being on time, and you could leave your house a little later.”
- "You're really upset by that, I can tell. I'm really sorry that happened. If you'd like some help getting organized in the morning, I find that's really helpful in getting out on time. Let me know if you'd like me to do that."
Set
boundaries.
When dealing with negative people, set boundaries for how you deal with them.
Someone else negativity is not your responsibility to deal with. If they're
bringing you down too much, you need to spend time away from them.
- If the negative person is a work colleague, cut short their negative spiral by telling them you have to get back to work. Do it nicely, otherwise it will feed their negativity further.
- If the negative person is a family member (especially one that you live with), try taking a break from them as much as possible. Go out to a library or nearby coffee shop or simply don't answer the phone every time they call.
