Recognize and challenge
generalization.
Generalization happens when you take
one experience and generalize it to the whole world. It can keep you from
realizing your true potential because it totalizes you: when you generalize,
you’re not a person who makes mistakes, you’re a “failure.” How could you feel
motivated to realize your true potential when you feel that way?
- For example, perhaps you are trying to invent the next great technology and it hasn’t worked yet. You’ve tried 7 experiments and all of them have failed. You could generalize from this instance and say, “I’ll never get this work because I’m such a loser.”
- A better way to handle this would be to think, “This experiment didn’t work. That’s okay, now I have even more information on what doesn’t work, so I can try something else that might.” You are not a failure. You are a person who is learning from her mistakes so she can keep developing.
Recognize and challenge mental
filtering.
This thought trap can hold you back
by distorting your focus. When you filter, you focus only on the negative
aspects of a situation, ignoring the positives.
- For example, you might get comments back on a school essay that are 70% positive, but you can only focus on the three things that your teacher said needed work and ignore the rest.
- Challenge yourself to look at the situation as an outsider might. Try to list the facts of the situation as objectively as you can. In this case, you could remind yourself: “Out of the ten comments my teacher gave me, seven of them were complimentary. The three things that need work are things that I can work on. These negative comments don’t discount the positive ones.”
Watch for all-or-nothing thinking.
All-or-nothing thinking often means
death to achievement, because achievement usually isn’t perfect straight out of
the gate. When you give in to all-or-nothing thinking, you don’t allow yourself
any middle ground. Either your effort is perfect or it’s a failure.
- For example, if you want to master the violin, all-or-nothing thinking would accept nothing less than perfection. It doesn’t allow you room to celebrate your growth as you get better and better at playing a piece; it just judges you for all the mistakes you make along the way.
- Instead, remind yourself that perfection is an unrealistic standard that no one can meet. A single negative experience or mistake doesn’t negate your progress. Extend this generosity to yourself and to others.
Stop catastrophizing in its tracks.
Catastrophizing is another thought
trap that can keep you from realizing your true potential. When we
catastrophize, we allow our thoughts to spiral out of control. We expect that
the absolute worst will happen.
This can make us so afraid that it
keeps us from allowing ourselves to be vulnerable enough to truly succeed.
- For example, realizing your true potential might mean leaving an unhappy relationship. But, you think, what if I never find anyone else to love? I’ll wind up living alone. I’ll be unhappy the rest of my life. I’ll wind up getting eaten by my cats when I die alone in my apartment that nobody visits me in.
- One way to challenge catastrophizing is to require yourself to find evidence for each “leap” you make. Is it really likely that you will never find anyone to love? No. There are billions of people in the world, so chances are there is more than one you could be happy with. Is it true that if you live alone you must end up lonely and eaten by cats? No. Plenty of people live by themselves and still have full, rewarding social lives.
Stop "shoulding" yourself.
This thought trap makes you feel as
though you have to live up to others’ standards. It can hold you back from your
true potential because you’re basing your actions on what you feel you “should”
do rather than what feels right for you to do.
- For example, perhaps you have been told that you “should” have children by a certain age. You might feel like you’re a failure if you have passed that age and have not had children. But consider: do you actually want to have children, or have them right now? Or were you allowing that “should” to make you feel bad about yourself? As long as you are living according to your values, others’ “shoulds” don’t matter.
- When you find yourself thinking things that involve should/must/ought, think about where that thought is coming from. If you find it coming from a fear or pressure from someone else, challenge that thought. For example, if you think, “I shouldn’t have that cookie today because I should lose weight,” think: do you feel like you should lose weight because your doctor has told you it would be healthy? Or do you feel pressured by society’s standards? If it’s the former, reframe it as a positive goal: “I won’t have that cookie today because I’m working toward getting healthier.” If it’s the latter, show yourself kindness: “I will have that cookie because I love myself just as I am, and I don’t need to conform to anyone else’s expectations.”
