Understand productive guilt. Guilt can be productive; it can help us grow and mature and, most importantly, learn from our behavior when we offend or hurt others or ourselves. This type of guilt serves a purpose and encourages us to redirect our moral and/or behavioral compass.
- For example, if you said something offensive to a close friend over which you feel guilty because it upset them, you will learn not to say those types of things or else you risk losing friends. In other words, you will learn from your mistake. In this sense, then, the guilt has worked productively to positively reshape your behavior.
- To give another example, if you feel guilty because you ate an entire bag of chips, that's your brain's way of reminding you about a behavior you probably already know is unhealthy and can adversely affect your well-being. Thus, the rational feeling of guilt motivates you to reflect on and change your behavior for the better.
Understand unproductive guilt. Guilt can also be unproductive, in the sense that you feel
guilt even when your behavior doesn't need reflection or transformation. This
is irrational guilt that can devolve into a cycle where you begin to feel
guilty when there is nothing to feel guilty about and you then ruminate on that
guilt.
- For example, many first-time parents worry about going back to work because they think leaving their child with a nanny or in daycare will cause unknown damage to their child's mental and physical development. In reality, however, that's just not the case; in fact, most children develop normally irrespective of whether one or both parents work. There's nothing to really feel guilty about in this situation, but many people do, nevertheless. Put differently, this feeling of guilt doesn't produce anything but more irrational guilt.
- Unproductive guilt can have adverse effects on your cognitive well-being. For example, you may become overly self-critical, experience low self-esteem, and doubt your self-worth.
Understand that sometimes we feel
guilt for events out of our control. It is important to recognize that sometimes we feel guilty
for things over which we had no control, such as a car crash or not arriving in
time to say goodbye to a loved one before he passed. Sometimes people involved
in such traumatic events overestimate their knowledge of the event and what
they could have done. In other words, these individuals think they could or
should have done something but, in reality, could not have. These intense
feelings of guilt can produce feelings of helplessness and a feeling of having
lost control.
- For example, perhaps you feel guilty that you survived a car accident, while your friend was killed. This is known as survivor's guilt, which often emerges when we try to explain and make sense of traumatic events that we experience. In the case of serious guilt, you may want to seek professional help from a therapist who can help you work through your feelings of guilt.
Reflect on your emotions and
experiences.
Engage in self-exploration to really get in touch with your feelings and to
determine that it is guilt that you are experiencing and not another emotion.
Studies using MRI scans of the brain have shown that guilt is an emotion that
is distinct from shame or sadness. At the same time, these studies show that
shame and sadness were often also present and correlate with guilt. Thus, it is
important that you spend some time reflecting on your feelings in order to
precisely pinpoint what you need to address.
- Define your thoughts, feelings, surroundings, and body sensations. You can do this cognitively, through the practice of mindfulness, meaning that you just focus on what you're feeling in that moment without judgment or reaction.
- Alternatively, you can write your feelings down in a journal. Writing out what you're experiencing can help you clarify those emotions as you try to put them into words.
- Example: I am feeling overwhelmed today with guilt, and I also feel sad. I can't stop thinking about it. I can tell that I’m stressed because I have a tension headache, tension in my shoulders, and a nervous feeling in my stomach.
Clarify exactly what it is you feel
guilt about.
Think about what is causing these guilty feelings. Again, consider writing
everything down to begin the process of working through the feeling of guilt.
Here are some examples:
- "I let Fido out and he got run over by a car. I feel guilty that Fido is now dead because our whole family loved him so much."
- "I didn't study for the exam and I got an F. I feel guilty that I let my parents down because they pay so much for me to go to school."
- "I broke up with Bobby. I feel guilty that he hurts so much."
- "My friend's mom passed away, and my mom is still alive and healthy. I feel guilty because my friend's life is in pieces and mine is perfect."
Accept guilt. You will have to accept that you
cannot change the past or what has happened. Acceptance also involves
acknowledging difficulty and recognizing that you are able to withstand painful
feelings in the present moment. This is the first stage in dealing
appropriately with your guilt and moving forward. It is helpful to tell
yourself affirming statements that emphasize acceptance and tolerance. Examples
of these statements are:
- "I know dealing with guilt is hard, but for now I know I can endure."
- "This is difficult, but I can accept what has happened and not fight or avoid this feeling - it is what it is."
