Shame is
one of the most destructive and debilitating emotions humans can feel and
occurs when people feel bad about themselves in comparison to their standards
for themselves as well as those of society. Feelings of shame can lead people
to engage in self-destructive and risky behaviors, such as alcohol and drug
abuse, and can also cause long-term physical and emotional problems, including
bodily pain, depression, low self-esteem, and anxiety. However, you can avoid
this path entirely by making a concerted effort to let go of shame and instead
value yourself and your contributions to the world. It's important to remember
that you are so much more than just the one thing you may have done, said, or
felt.
Give up the pursuit of perfection.
Trying to be perfect in any one part of our lives is an unrealistic expectation
and it sets us up to feel low self-worth and even shame when we don't measure
up. The idea of perfection is a social construction produced by the media and
society that suggests we can be perfect if we look, act, and think a certain
way, but this is not a reflection of reality.
- We all have ideas, thanks to society and the media, about what we "should" do and who we "should" be. You need to let go of these beliefs and, indeed, try to avoid putting stock in the word "should". "Should" statements imply that there is something you ought to be doing or thinking and that if you're not, something is wrong with you.
- Holding yourself up to impossibly high standards that you can never meet will only create a vicious cycle of shame and low-esteem.
Avoid rumination.
Rumination of negative feelings can lead to inappropriate levels of shame and
self-loathing. Research has suggested in fact that ruminating on your feelings
of shame can lead to depression, social anxiety, and even increased blood
pressure.
- In general, people tend to ruminate more over something that happened to them in a social context, such as a public presentation or performance, rather than a private experience, like a fight with a spouse. In part this is because we care deeply about the opinions of others and worry especially that we have embarrassed or shamed ourselves in view of others. This causes us to dwell and get stuck in self-shaming and negative thinking.
- But remember that rumination, while easy to fall into, doesn't actually solve anything or make the situation better. In fact, it makes everything worse.
Show yourself compassion.
If you feel yourself in danger of ruminating, nurture self-compassion and
kindness. Be your own friend. Instead of berating yourself and engaging in
negative self-talk (i.e., "I'm stupid and worthless"), treat yourself
as you would a friend or other loved one. This requires careful observance of
your behavior and the ability to step back and realize that you would not let a
friend engage in this kind of self-destructive thinking. Research has suggested
that self-compassion has numerous benefits, including mental well-being,
increase life satisfaction, and decreased self-criticism, among others.
- Try journaling. When you feel the urge to ruminate, instead write a compassionate paragraph to yourself that expresses awareness of your feelings but also recognizes that you are simply human and that you are deserving of love and support. Even just 10 minutes of this expression of self-compassion can make a positive difference.
- Develop a mantra or habit that you can draw on when you feel a dwelling spiral about to happen. Try putting your hand on your heart and saying, "May I be safe and kind to myself. May I have ease of both mind and heart?" In this way, you are expressing true care and concern for yourself.
Avoid focusing purely on the past.
For many people, shame paralyzes them in the present; it makes them anxious,
fearful, depressed, and cause feelings of low self-worth. However, it's
important that you let the past be the past; you cannot change or undo the
past, but you can choose how your past affects your present outlook and future.
Leave your shame behind as you forge ahead to a better life.
- Change and transformation is always possible. This is one of the beautiful things about the human condition. You aren't beholden to your past for all eternity.
- Remember that life is about the long haul, and that you can always bounce back from a tough period.
Show flexibility.
Try to avoid responding to your experiences with "all or nothing"
thinking or judgment. This kind of thinking only creates tensions between the
expectations we hold for ourselves and what's actually possible. So much of
life isn't black or white but gray. Be aware that there are no true
"rules" for life and that people behave and think differently and
live their own variation of the "rules".
- Be more open, generous, and flexible about the world and try to refrain from passing judgment on others. Cultivating a more open attitude about how we view society and the people within it often reverberates back into how we think of ourselves. Over time, you may be willing to let go of some of those rigid judgments that result in feelings of low self-esteem and shame.
Let go of the influences of others.
If you have negative thoughts in your head, it’s possible you have people
around you who giving fodder to those same types of negative messages about
you, even close friends and family. In order to let go of shame and move
forward, you'll need to minimize "toxic" individuals who bring you
down rather than lift you up.
- Consider the negative statements of others to be 10 pound weights. These weigh you down and it becomes more difficult to bring yourself back up. Free yourself from that burden and remember that people cannot define who you are as person. Only you can define who you are.
Cultivate mindfulness.
Research has shown that mindfulness-based therapy can facilitate
self-acceptance and help reduce shame. Mindfulness is a technique that invites
you to learn to observe your emotions without heightened emotions. In other
words, you open yourself up to the experience in a non-reactive manner, rather
than trying to avoid it.
- The principle of mindfulness is that you need to acknowledge and experience the shame before you can let it go. Mindfulness is not easy because it means becoming aware of the negative self-talk that often accompanies shame, like self-condemnations, comparisons with others, etc. However, the task is to acknowledge and recognize shame without getting caught up in or giving power to those emotions that arise.
- Try to find a quiet space to practice mindfulness. Sit in a relaxed position and focus on your breathing. Count the inhales and exhales. Inevitably, your mind will wander. When this happens, don't chastise yourself but take note of what you are feeling. Don't judge it; just be aware of it. Try to bring attention back to your breath, as this is the real work of mindfulness.
- By acknowledging but de-centering your thoughts and not letting them take over, you are learning how to cope with negative feelings without actually trying to change them. In other words, you are changing your relationship to your thoughts and feelings. Some people have found that in doing this, eventually the content of your thoughts and emotions changes (for the better) too.
Embrace acceptance.
Accept the things you cannot change about yourself. You are who you are and
that's fine. Some studies have shown that acceptance can help individuals step
out of a cycle of shame and move forward onto more functional ways of living.
- You will have to accept that you cannot change the past or go back in time. You have to accept yourself as you are today, right now.
- Acceptance also involves acknowledging difficulty and showing awareness that you are able to withstand painful feelings in the present moment. For example, say, "I know I feel bad now, but I can accept it because I know emotions come and go, and I can work to resolve my feelings."
