Sometimes
it can be difficult to tell the truth. Telling a hard truth can mean many
different things, from that awkward moment when you let a friend know their
zipper’s undone, to telling a romantic partner that you’re having issues with
the relationship. Be it significant other, friend, coworker, or family member,
telling someone the truth is generally the right decision. It leads to open and
honest communication about how to move forward in a constructive way. Though it
may seem scary, using kind language, exhibiting empathy, and being open minded
will help you get through a hard conversation with grace.
Ask permission.
It’s a good idea to let the other person know you’re interested in having a
tough conversation so that they don’t feel blindsided. Ask if the person is
willing to talk to you. If the person says no, allow him or her to have a bit
more time, and then ask again. Sometimes people need time and space to process
that someone has something potentially painful to say. By asking permission,
you set the stage for a more reciprocal conversation.
- A good way to phrase this is “I need to talk to you about something that might be hard. Can you tell me a good time that we can have this conversation?”
- Or say something like this: “Would it be okay with you if we set some time aside to talk next week? There are a few things that have been on my mind recently that I want to share with you.”
Choose
an appropriate setting.
Find a quiet place to talk. Some less serious truths can be told in public
places – telling a friend they have a piece of spinach in their teeth doesn’t
need to be a huge production. But for more heartfelt conversations, it’s best
to choose a safe environment where you won’t have to worry about being
overheard or making a scene. A home, spacious park, or quiet café are good
choices. You can even try going for a walk.
Open with something positive.
It’s important to avoid being accusatory or offensive when you start a hard
conversation. Make sure that the other person knows you’re telling the truth
because you care. Introduce the topic with a positive, such as “Peter, you’re
one of the most important people in my life, so I feel like I need to tell
you…” and then move on to the meat of the conversation.
- For situations in which you aren’t as close with the other person, such as in a work environment, choose a positive that is a little more formal. For example, “Kelly, you have a really great knack for analysis, but I’m concerned…”
- If you know the person well, you can open with some more personal positives: “Amanda, I’m only telling you this because you’re such an amazing friend and caring person, but…”
Prepare the other person.
It’s also a good idea to make sure the other person knows they’re in for a
potentially difficult conversation. Hopefully you’ve already told them that you
have something tough to say, but just to be sure, reiterate your intentions
before beginning the conversation.
- Let the other person know that this is might be hard for them to hear and that it will be just as hard for you to say, but that you think it’s valuable nonetheless. This will set the tone for a conversation built on respect and trust.
- For example: “I know this is going to be a hard conversation, but I think if we can discuss this it will really strengthen our relationship.”
Don’t beat around the bush.
It’s hard to tell the truth, and you might be tempted to spend the first thirty
minutes talking about work or the weather or that smoothie you had for lunch.
The conversation isn’t going to get any easier if you put it off. Summon up
your courage and get down to business.
- It’s okay to put of the conversation for just a minute so that you can start off by telling someone that they are important to you: “I want to talk to you about this because I care about you so much.”
- It’s not okay to start off with “Oh my god, you wouldn’t believe what I heard at work today,” and then transition into a deep, difficult conversation.
