Let us assume
you have the sinking feeling that your relationship is on the rocks, then it's
time to bounce on your relationship and try to save it. To save it, you're
going to need to work together to figure out the problem or problems you're
having, as well as a solution to those problems. You're also going to need to
work at loving each other again and reconnecting to what you felt in the past.
We will be talking about how to find out the problem and discuss the rest later
in the next posts.
Consider when things went wrong.
If you are at a critical juncture, you can probably figure out when things
started going off the rails, even just a little bit. Think about when the
problem started, so you can figure out how to approach the discussion with your
partner.
- You might easily pinpoint one major reason, such as you or your loved one was unfaithful, and that changed the dynamic of the relationship.
- More often, you may not be able to find one major reason, but rather, a series of reasons for why things aren't working out. A lot of little things can start to add up. For example, maybe he's spending too much time with his friends, or you never make time for each other. Alternatively, maybe you're both stressing at work.
- Maybe you're growing incompatible. If you've been together for a long time, it's possible that you've become different people over the course of the relationship.
- If you're unsure where to begin, consider taking a relationship quiz that can help you assess how healthy your relationship is.
Decide whether you should try to save
it. Sometimes, a relationship can't be saved,
especially if the other person isn't willing to put in any work. If only one of
you wants to save it, that's not going to work out. Also, if your relationship
is abusive in any way, either physically or emotionally, then you probably
shouldn't try to save it.
Pick a good time to talk to your partner.
You should pick a time when you have few distractions. Also, it should be in a
private space, so that you won't be overheard. In addition, try to choose time
when you both aren't overly emotional. You should try to have a calm, rational
discussion, putting emotion to the side.
Talk with your partner.
If your marriage or relationship is need of saving, it's likely that your
partner already knows a problem exists. However, if you haven't talked about
it, you need to start the discussion. It's best to do so when you are calm and
level-headed, so that you can actually discuss rather than shout at each other.
- It's important to not just talk, but to listen and hear what your partner has to say about what's going on in your relationship. You can show you're listening by summarizing what your partner has to say to show you've understood what he or she has said. You can also ask questions that show you've heard what the person has said and that you want to know more.
- When you're bringing up the problem, focus on "I" statements rather than "you" statements. For example, you could say, "I'd really like to discuss what's been going on with our relationship," rather than "You're making our relationship a mess."
Come up with a list together.
While discussing your relationship, work on a list together. Figure out what
you both think the problems are in your relationship, and discuss how it
started. It may be hard to have an open discussion, but it's important to get
both of your points of view on where the relationship went wrong. In addition,
you can use help from educational websites to help identify what's healthy
about your relationship and what's not.
- For instance, a healthy relationship is one where you are both your own, independent people and you respect each other's personalities and boundaries. You are interested in what the other person is doing, and you encourage one another.
- Unhealthy relationship on the other hand, is where one or both of you is not happy with whom the other person is, and you are pressured to change the person. You may also feel controlled or manipulated, or you may be the one doing the manipulating.
Focus on patterns.
Rather than blaming each other, consider how patterns from each of you has led
to problems. For instance, maybe you consistently forget to call home when
you're going to be late, and your partner then gets upset when you don't show
up. Consequently, you punish him or her the next time by not calling home,
which is a cyclical pattern. When you bring it up, focus on how to solve the
problem, such as "I will try to be better about calling home, if maybe you
can forgive me the few times that I forget. Or maybe you can send me a text
near the end of the day, so I will be more aware of what time it is."
Relationship
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