In the previous post, we discussed 8 ways to figure out the problem in a relationship.
There are ways to deal with the problems figured out so it will not lead to the
destabilization of your relationship. Here are tips and step you need to follow
in approaching the problems.
Go for counseling. If you are at the point where you are trying to save your
relationship, it's a good idea to call in professional help. A counselor can
help you decipher what problems you have, especially if you can hardly stand to
be in the same room together anymore.
Be honest with each other. Being honest is a kind of vulnerability, and by being
honest with your partner, you show that you trust him or her. Try opening up
about what you're thinking and feeling. When you're vulnerable, you're inviting
your partner in and asking him or her to be equally as honest. However, it's
important to continue using "I" statements to tell how you feel instead
of blaming the other person.
- For example, when you're talking to your partner, you shouldn't say, "You never put me first." Rather, you should say, "I sometimes feel neglected in the relationship." That way, you're telling how you feel rather than pointing fingers.
Work collaboratively. Instead of each taking one side of an argument, it's
important to work together. You should work together in your relationship,
treating each other as teammates rather than enemies. However, you also need to
work together when trying to solve problems. That means first agreeing on what
the problem is.
- Once you agree on what the problem is, you also need to talk about what both you are concerned about underneath the surface. That is, you may both have an idea in mind of what winning looks like, but if you are both set on winning; no one will win in the end. Instead, discuss why you want the solution you do.
- You should also look for common ground in the problem and the solution. That is, if you're disagreeing about who should do what house-works at least you agree that the house needs more attention, that's a starting place.
Discuss solutions. This step may be the hardest part, coming up with solutions
you both can live with. That means agreeing on what you think the main problems
are in the marriage and coming up with ways you can both work to make it
better. Basically, you need to compromise. Blaming each other isn't going to
help, as you've both contributed to the situation you're in.
- Compromising means you need to talk about what you both need and want in the relationship. This step is important, because then you can decide where you can both stand your ground and where you can both give a little. Compromising means giving in where you feel you can.
- It helps if these solutions are concrete. For instance, maybe you've decided one of your main problems is that you don't spend enough time connecting. The solution could be that you agree to go on one date a week, plus you will try to spend lunchtime together at least three times a week.
- Maybe you're problems are partially financial. Sit down and agree on a budget moving forward, one that compromises on what you both value. For instance, if you're a saver and want to penny pinch every dime while your partner enjoys extravagant vacations, compromise by going on a more modest vacation every year that is within your budget.
- Portion out the household chores. One small thing that can become huge is if one person feels he or she is doing all the work at home. Have an open discussion about a fair division of the work, and try making a schedule to determine who will do what when.
Learn to forgive. If you're going to move forward, you're going to have to
forgive each other for the hurts you've caused. That doesn't mean completely
forgetting what happened or even saying what happened was okay. It does mean
that you need to acknowledge the hurt it caused you. You need to realize that
the other person makes mistakes, and both of you learned from that mistake.
Finally, you need to accept that it happened and move on.
- Most mistakes stem from needs that a person wants to be met. Realizing that can help you learn from what happened.
Figure out what will happen moving
forward. Once you've identified the problems
and solutions, you need to both formally commit to the solutions. The solutions
need to be concrete and ones you can both live with.
- If you find your solutions aren't working after a certain period of time, it's fine to revisit them and try something new.
Don't forget boundaries. Once you've made a plan about how to move forward, don't
forget that you also need to set boundaries. Yes, you forgive each other for
what's happened, but you can still put boundaries in place to keep the same
mistakes from happening again.
- For instance, if one of you cheated after going to a certain club, it seems reasonable that that person should not return to that club. You could bring it up by saying, "Because of what's happened in the past, I don't feel comfortable with you going to the club. If you insist on going that may be a deal breaker for me."
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