The idea
of love surrounds us every day, blasting from the radio and TV almost
constantly. But as anyone who has been in love can tell you, love is not as
simple as it often portrayed in the media. What it means to be in love will
change from person to person, but that doesn't mean that there aren't some
feelings that are common in all kinds of love. While you ultimately need to
look inside yourself to find the answers, there are some clues as to what it
means to fall in love.
Know that you focus on someone
else's happiness, not just your own, when you are in love. Being in love is about connecting
with another person emotionally, caring for their happiness as if it was your
own. When you love someone their fate becomes intertwined with yours. You may
feel sad when they cry, get angry when they are hurt, and celebrate with their
successes.
- If you can't wait to share good news with them or hear about their day, love is likely growing.
- This does not, however, mean that love is completely selfless. You should feel the same connection coming back to you as well.
Know that you do not need to share
all the same interests to be in love. You do not have to like all of the same things in order to
love someone. In many cases, having differences allows your love to grow, as
you share and teach each other part about yourself that the other person never
knew. Disliking someone's taste in music, for example, does not mean that you
cannot love them.
- Judgment, anger, or disrespect for each other's interests, however, may prevent love from really growing.
Be yourself with the person you
love, and love them for the person they are. When you allow someone to be exactly as they are, without
any belief that they aren’t good enough, without any belief that they would be
“better” if they were different, you're in love. Loving someone is about
accepting them as they are, or even because of their faults. No one is perfect,
but they don't have to be for you to love them.
- You may even learn more about yourself with this person, as loving them helps reveal truths about you that you might not have noticed before.
- If your love is dependent upon the other person acting and speaking how we want, then your feelings are conditional. We often confuse this with love, but this is just positive thoughts about someone. This is loving what a person says or does, not loving them.
Know you may feel
"addicted" to them when they aren't around. This is not just a turn of phrase: being in love actually
changes your brain chemistry to "reward" you when they are in your
life. If you are constantly thinking about them, missing them when they are
gone, and finding ways to stay in contact with each other, love is likely
blooming.
- This should be different, however, from obsession, when you think of them so much you cannot function on a day-to-day basis.
- This desire to be with someone sometimes manifests itself as a fear of losing them, which is a natural part of love.
Know that loving someone doesn't
mean you’ll never fight. Love in the real world, contrary to movies and TV, is not
eternal sunshine and rainbows. Even people deeply in love will fight and argue,
from parents and children to happily married couples. However, loving someone
is about appreciating them even when you disagree. Little arguments and fights
don't push you apart, and you are able to work back to common ground through
careful communication. Even when you're angry or upset with them you still love
them, and these fights can often make you closer.
- Love doesn't go away in an instant after one bad day. It may fade eventually, but it takes a lot of time. Love is a feeling, not an action, so don't look at what you're doing as much as what you’re feeling or thinking about.
Ask yourself what love means to you. Everyone has different needs and
wants in a relationship, and that leads everyone to a different definition of
love. What do you need in a friend or lover? What do you offer? Have you ever
felt like you were in love and what did it feel like?
- Love changes and grows with age: 20-somethings who just moved in together may have a different definition than a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary. This doesn't mean, however, that both couples don't love each other.
- If you feel like you are in love, and the feelings lasts several weeks or months, you are likely in love.
Know that love takes time to develop. Love at first sight, though
romantic, is not a real phenomenon. Attraction happens quickly, also
infatuation, but love takes time to develop. Love is based on an understanding
of the other person emotionally and socially, and such an understanding cannot
be rushed.
- There is no "right" amount of time to fall in love, but you do need to be with someone long enough to feel like you understand them.
Remember that not all love is
romantic.
Love is not just about sexual attraction or romance. Most people will happily
admit that they love their families and best friends. Love is based on a deep
relationship, a connection that lets you know you can trust someone completely.
You understand them and they understand you -- not perfectly, but enough that
you feel invested in each other's lives and happiness.
